Computer related jokes and funny pictures
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Computer vs. Air ConditionerHow is a computer like an air conditioner?When you open Windows it won't work! |
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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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MicrosoftieWhat did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" |
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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
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If Microsoft
Was Looking for Drivers If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash. |
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Mr. or Mrs. Computer
Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going totell you".
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasonsfollow:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
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Blonde's Computer FreezeWhat does a blonde do when her computer freezes?She sticks it in the microwave. |
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft:1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
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Blonde on the
Computer Q: How can you tell a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out all over the screen. |
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Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged).
The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive! 13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. 14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
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Laptop
What's the difference between a blonde and Windows 95? The blonde operates on more laptops! |
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Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic
navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the
pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall
building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that
said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building
quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After
they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building,
because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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The
Blonde And The E-mail
A blonde was telling a brunette that her computer broke. So the brunette said she would check the blonde's e-mail for her. The blonde said, ''Cool! E-mail me and tell me what I got.'' |
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Emoticons
We all know those cute little computer symbols
called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how
about some "ass-cons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
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Bring Your Daughter to Work Day
A man comes home with his little daughter,
whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you
in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,
my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't
believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." "Oh,"
says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes
when you lay her down on the couch."
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Microsoft
Darkness How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they would just declare darkness the new standard TM |
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Signs Your Co-Worker Is a Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a
$26,000 phone bill.
Has won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.
Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The
Net."
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good
Morning, Mr./Ms. President."
You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor
"I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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<=The newest dance crazy to come from the cat world |  |
Bill Gates in Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, Now Bill, you
have done some good things, and you have done some bad things.
Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's
these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful
beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it
was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would
like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went
down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, What happened
to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?
Peter replied, That was just the screen
saver.
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<= Ahh! She's climbing out of the phone and into your ear! |  |
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| I need something from this CD. Maybe work? => |
If _____ Made Toasters
If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their
toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you
got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development,
the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster,
which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one
big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting.
IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast
one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff
would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could
buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You
would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost
$16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in
the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning
there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department
would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would
be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode
about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster
would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they
needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which
would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast,
can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap
and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on
toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's
First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread
that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time
you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't
have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster
'02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop),
draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space
in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control
how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft
toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread
only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything
the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.
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An IT Husband
Starting the day with a conversation between
a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.
Husband :(Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged
in."
Wife :Have you brought the grocery?
Husband :Bad command or filename.
Wife :But I told you in the morning
Husband :Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife :What about my new TV?
Husband :Variable not found ...
Wife :At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband :Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife :Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being
funny?
Husband :Too many parameters ...
Wife :It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband :Data type mismatch.
Wife :You are useless.
Husband :It's by Default.
Wife :What about your Salary?
Husband :File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife :What is my value in the family.
Husband :Unknown Virus.